Reason or feelings
When choosing a partner for a long-term relationship, it’s helpful to consider how our brains work in personal relationships. Here, we often have to deal with the internal conflict of “reason versus feelings,” and it’s very difficult to emerge from this conflict 100% satisfied with our choice. The problem, as is often the case, is that our limbic system (responsible for emotions and the unconscious) and the neocortex (responsible for rationality) are antagonists.
The limbic system is responsible, among other things, for emotions and feelings that cause hormonal surges in us and make our partner a source of our pleasure;
The neocortex is responsible for our rationality, logic, and strategic ability to get along with people over long distances.
The limbic system is quite adept at “persuasion,” feeding the neocortex favorable “facts” to maintain the source of pleasure. For example, it can easily explain and justify any flaw in the person we’re passionate about. And for the first couple of years, this works, because our hormonal system is on high alert, and we experience a hormonal high that we call happiness.
But here’s the problem: guys’ hormones are fickle and have a habit of leaving after a couple of years, leaving behind only the bare facts. These facts are what we have to live with and what every family is built on (or falls apart on).
Why don’t emotions dance to the rhythm of rationality? Why doesn’t the limbic system coordinate its sympathies with the neocortex? Because our unconscious is programmed to encourage us to reproduce. This is one of the deepest programs in every human being.
That’s why physical attraction and emotional attraction to another person signal to the brain, “Oh! The likelihood of reproduction is increasing! I need to put all my effort into making it happen!”
At this point, the limbic system turns on full blast to drown out these silly rational and logical obstacles to the spread of its beautiful DNA. And while this may not ultimately happen, its primary concern is to do everything possible to ensure it does, and whatever happens, happens.
Is everything so “hopeless”? Not at all.
The fact is that some people (especially the sensible and pragmatic) are not deterred by these “limbic cries.” Their neocortex, thanks to its large number of neural connections, is able to turn off this intrusive emotional radio if it deems it strategically disadvantageous. Such people have a colossal advantage and a great gift— the right to choose .
They are in control of themselves and their decisions. Even when caught in the throes of hormonal passions, they are able to “switch on” their awareness. By calculating the potential negative consequences, they can either prevent them or minimize the damage. This is something that those who are driven by their turbulent emotions when making life-changing decisions are unable to do.
Relying solely on feelings is like trying to ride huge waves without knowing how to surf. Almost always, such a desire to thrill oneself with experiences will end tragically.
But not if you’re a trained and accomplished surfer. Then you’ll be able to:
1. Weigh all the risks and understand whether it is worth going into the water at all;
2. Having dived, you will happily ride the wave and reach the shore unharmed.
So how do you know if a man is right for a family?
For long-term partnerships, we’re more likely to favor those who are “approved” by our pragmatic and unclouded mind—our neocortex. And the mind unquestioningly approves only one thing: facts. In our case, these are actions and deeds that confirm the partner’s qualities necessary for a happy relationship. What are these qualities? Only you can answer that, because to each their own.
Does this mean that by satisfying the demands of reason we eliminate feelings from the equation?
Absolutely not.
Emotional approval is just as important as intellectual approval. Ideally, they complement each other. And with the right skill, the mind can quite easily determine feelings. But that’s another story.
A long-term relationship is a marathon, not a sprint . Starting a family requires constant spiritual and intellectual effort, because it’s this constant effort that will help you continue to see your partner as a source of happiness after many years together.
Only through the work of your spirit and intellect can you consciously awaken within yourself those exciting hormonal surges, so similar to those you experienced at the beginning of your relationship. But this requires the support of real, positive qualities in your partner, first approved by your mind, and only then by your feelings.
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