What is falling in love?
Falling in love is a special and unique combination of dopamine, oxytocin, endorphin, and serotonin. That’s all.
So dry and not at all poetic. If the relationship is long-term and happy, dopamine naturally declines, giving way to oxytocin; if the relationship is difficult and conflict-ridden, dopamine is replaced by cortisol. In the first case, passion will be replaced by hugs, kisses, and heartfelt conversations; in the second, by arguments and resentments. The balance is individual, subject to change.
It turns out that at the initial stage of a relationship or interaction with a particular person, our body and brain experience a true narcotic high. It’s no wonder that, once accessed, the often unaccustomed brain craves this narcotic high again and again. And if it can only be “captured” with that specific person, is it any wonder the brain goes wild?
Okay, so it’s not the entire brain that’s acting up, just its treacherous limbic system. The rational neocortex will quietly mumble something logical and rational, like “he’s not worthy of you” or “love must be mutual.” And it will be right, of course. But what’s the point if the reward system’s trigger isn’t in its “compartment.”
These states and processes are the same, whether it’s unrequited love for a man or a woman. But here’s the interesting thing: we all react to them completely differently. Some are able to come to terms with unrequited love and move on, while others spend their entire lives trying to stop suffering.
Why is this? And what should be done?
How to Cope with Unrequited Love
For a wise man, even a bump is a springboard (c)
If you are unlucky enough to be on the suffering team, then you can stop suffering from unrequited love (or at least reduce this suffering) only if you offer your brain access to “internal drugs” through other “dealers”.
Fact: Those who suffer the most intensely from unrequited love (or anything, really) are those with the least fulfilling lives. By “fulfilling life,” I mean opportunities to experience a variety of endorphin rewards, or, more simply, pleasures. After all, all events in our lives, even the happiest and saddest, are very relative. As cynical, shocking, or strange as it may sound, how intensely and for how long you experience the events of your life directly correlates with the fulfillment of your life.
Please remember:
The fewer people in your life, the more valuable each one is to you . The more hurtful a harsh word from a colleague will be. The more offensive a fight with a friend will be. The more painful the lack of affection from a particular person will be.
The fewer events in your life, the more precious each one will be to you. The more terrifying it will seem to be to be fired from your job. The more delicious the chocolate will be. The more captivating watching a TV series will be. The more important and difficult it will seem to be to experience unrequited love.
On a scale of 1 to 100, how upset do you think Scarlett Johansson would be over unrequited love? I’d say somewhere around 30. Now imagine someone with 10-20 times less resources in her place—you’d agree, the level of suffering would increase by the same 10-20 times. Because it’s harder to “grab” emotions from something other than the object of your passion.
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