My 12 conclusions about marriage:
1. You should only marry for love.
Of course, you can make lemonade out of lemons without it. But mutual love gives you a head start and makes future challenges a hundredfold easier.
2. Each of us has our own metaphor of family by which we live.
For some, family is work, for others, learning, for others, a refuge. It’s important to understand your family metaphor (or metaphors). The sooner you understand it, the easier it will be to manage, change, and mold it. And the better it will be to live in it.
3. When both partners are from functional – complete and prosperous – families, this is a fantastic advantage.
Just Bingo. If not, you need to work on it more often.
4. We always transfer our parents’ stories into our family.
Sometimes in its entirety, sometimes in unconscious pieces, but we inevitably transfer it.
5. “People (don’t) change” is a quantum law.
And yet, this is both true and untrue at the same time.
In 5-10 years, you might suddenly discover that the person next to you is completely different from the one you left the registry office with. And in 20, you’ll realize they’re still the same.
People change a lot throughout life, and therefore, in relationships, too. But they’re still the same good, kind, cheerful, and interesting person you once said “yes” to. It’s important to be able to preserve in your heart that very image that once captivated you, and to cherish it deeply. Then, all the changes will simply be additional, enriching nuances.
6. We’re in the same boat. We need to come to an agreement.
“Yes, my husband may be wrong sometimes, but he is my husband forever” – this rule has personally helped me many times.
An important nuance! It must be acknowledged that this only works if the love can be preserved. If it doesn’t, reaching an agreement is very, very difficult.
7. Each of us should always have our own personal territory.
Your own separate rooms, your own companies, your own space, your own personal finances.
It’s not necessary to constantly use this space and be separated from each other. The very opportunity to find privacy is important, at least from time to time.
8. It is possible to save a family and relationship only in one case: if both sincerely want it.
The desire and strength of one member of a duet is rarely enough to “make happy” both.
9. The fact that people have maintained their union for decades does not mean that they had no reasons to separate.
This means they didn’t take advantage of these opportunities. That’s all.
10. In every (!) 20-30 year marriage, there are many minor reasons for divorce, several major ones, and a couple of 10-12 point storms that most couples definitely couldn’t withstand and split up, but these two were able to keep the family together.
No, this does not mean that they did the right thing, just as it does not mean that those who got divorced did the right thing.
It simply means that life tested their union’s strength. The test was passed.
11. There is only one guarantee in the world – that there are no guarantees in the world.
And since there are no guarantees in the world, there are none in relationships either. What seems solid today may crumble into sand tomorrow. Life has a way of turning us on our heels, mocking our plans, raising feelings to the highest power and then destroying them.
Therefore , love and appreciate what you have now and enjoy every moment.
12. Be grateful for what you have.
Thank you, world, for inventing the word “marriage.” It’s a wonderful place for those who truly believe in it. And thank you to my husband for all the hard work he’s done to make our family happy. Only I know what a great man he is. Every day I admire his wisdom and thank God for him.
To everyone who has read this far and wants to get happily married, I wish you to get there in the very near future.
So be it!
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